Tired of it

I often think of this sound bite I heard about 2 years ago from David Wilkerson....take a listen, seriously...

I don't agree with David on everything, which is fine, neither of us knows it all...but anguish...having an emotion that leads towards movement, that causes us to act through the power of the Spirit, I always come back to this.  I feel like I need more of this, but I often fill every ounce of the day with noise so that I don't have time to really get to that place.  I love reading Nehemiah and his anguish fueled action is inspiring and challenging.  So I think this morning, I'll make a list, I'll be quiet and make a list of things I'm tired of...

1. I'm tired of violence.  Period.
2. Especially Gang Violence.
3. Stupid Violence.  (Isn't it all?)
4. Domestic Violence.   (Am I making that clear?)
5. I'm tired of young girls and women being treated like objects and less than others.
6. I'm tired of our desire to remain disconnected/seperate/isolated for 'self-preservation'. Read: racism, classism, denominationalism, sexism, any other -ism that causes us to stay seperate.
7. Being unhealthy.
8. An L for the Steelers. (Can't all be serious, can they?)
9. A lack of hope.
10. Selfishness.
11. Illusions of satisfaction that create more discontent.

I'm sure there are more...but that's a good start.  So tell me, what are yours...

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oh to read again

I'll admit it. It's hard to believe. After a Master's Program in which I would be required to read about 10 books on average in a four month spans...I don't get to read much anymore. It frustrates me. I have multiple books I've started, I've set things aside so I could start to read them...and now, now the bookmarks mock me as they stick out of the books only a third of the way through them. My Dad always had multiple books he was reading...but his bookmarks actually went on a journey through the books...mine have settled, built homes and are talking about baby bookmarks on the way. It's ridiculous. I've always been amazed at his ability to read so many books at one time, all with 3 kids who were involved in all kinds of after school activities. I'm going to get there...in fact, I'm going to do that right now.

I just wrapped up some things that needed done, I'm at a place where I can call it a night and pick up one of those books. I do a quick clock check, see it's after midnight and the bookmarks begin to laugh at me. "Nighty-Night," they say. Grrr, bookmarks, I shake my fist at you. I blow my nose at you. I fart in your general direction...all while I pass you on my way to bed.

photo by nkzs

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A better pacifist....

Just read an article, a speech really, given as a commencement address at Goshen College in 1992. I'm challenged by the speaker/author's description of pacifism in the speech. He, rightly I think, removes pacifism from being pigeon-holed to a discussion on physical violence/war and makes it broader. His description encompasses that, but includes a lifestyle, an ethic built around reconciliation and forgiveness. This too, is what it means to be a pacifist...how we relate to others on a practical, daily level.

- Do we do violence to someone with how we describe them to others?
- Do we do violence to someone when we hold grudges or withhold forgiveness out of anger?
- Do we do violence to someone with how we treat them?

While this might seem common sense to some, I find myself examining my life and finding examples of great violence on how I've acted and behaved. A lifestyle of reconciliation has not matched what I have inked on my back.

Ther great challenge of the speech is that it not only spurs on reflection...but almost necessitates some kind of action, confession. This is where the perverbial rubber meets the road. Its easy to be a pacifist when my description includes only a refusal to kill/maim another...i dont have many opportunities to even do that. Its a different situation all together when it involves the way in which I live my discipleship out within the diversity of relationships I have been placed in.

I've got some great brothers and sisters who are probably better, fuller pacifists than I. I would love to hear your reflections.

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knockin on seven's door, stairway to seven and my confession...

as i sit with my coffee, this celebratory morning...the day after my Steelers have punched another ticket to the Super Bowl, i'm humbled with how little it matters.  now before all my Pittsburgh friends call blasphemy and seek to take away my membership in Steelers Nation, you know my veins run black and gold...but, really, i'm struck with how much more important other tasks are.  i'm sitting, in a semi-quiet house...eli thinks its time for him to wake up...coffee in hand, the Word open, and i'm asking God to expand His kingdom today.

as i think about that request, that i desire in some way, for my life to be used to see God's will done on earth as it is in heaven, for my life to be used in someway for the kingdom to become someone's reality...i'm overcome with its largeness.  this is a very large request, and my eyes have to be fixed on Christ, not on a seventh trophy (i say this as i have two tabs open on my browser as well as this one that talk about the Steelers win).  if i'm spending the next two weeks getting into the Super Bowl hype, i wonder if i'll miss the opportunity to be the one hyping something greater.  we were joking Saturday with close friends Nike and Herman, as well as last night at the gathering with Karl, Carrie, Heather and Jean...that Mandy has become a Steelers fan if for no other reason that she hates to be around me if the Steelers lose.  we all had a great laugh about that and i wore it almost like a badge of honor...look at me, i am a true fan.  i love my team so much that my entire emotional life and body chemistry is affected by a win or a loss...

as much as i love my Steelers...and my newly decorated living room can prove that...i want my life to be a witness to the kingdom.  i hope this is seen for what it is, my confession.  my confession that in the midst of all that God is doing in my life and in my neighborhood that i can easily get caught up in a game in such a way that i become blinded to what God desires for and from me.  and of these things i repent...

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whats it all about?

territorial.  chance is territorial...other animals come within eyesight of our yard and chance is convinced they are coming to taunt him, to infringe on his territory.  ya know what frustrates me...when people act territorial.  these are my customers...this is my store...this is my pew...doesn't the Word say, the earth is the Lord's and everything in it...why would anyone feel or act like, this is 'mine'.  its not ours, not our community, not our mission...we are all servants, why would we act possessive?

guilty

oh 

so 

guilty

what if they are able to do what I haven't been able to?  what if all i'm supposed to have done was lay the ground work, and someone else gets the fruit...thats when it hit me...i cared about who gets the credit...what about me? what about what I've done?  where's my pat on the back...

oh, Lord, forgive me, forgive my territorialness.  this is not about me, it can't be about me, if it is, then i've already failed.  thank you for the love you've formed within me for this neighborhood, this passion for my neighbors, my friends, our community...forgive and purge my jealousy, my pride....remind me that this is about your kingdom and i am your servant.

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i did not like preparing for this weeks message. in the midst of dealing with a thief coming to our house, insurance agents, trying to find if there can be a replacement, i've been seeking to get some kind of message together on what it means to love God.

i thought about Jesus saying if you love me then obey my commands, i thought about 1 John saying if you love God, you love your brother...but God brought me to 2 passages. Abraham's offering of Isaac and Jesus speaking with Peter after the resurrection. rather than boring you with the details and clever illustrations I attempted to come up with...bottom line came to this...

to love God is to allow God to reign over every aspect our lives...including our very selves. Peter was in self-preservation mode when he denied, he needed to be shown that loving Jesus means puttin Christ's sheep first and allowing Christ to lead him. Abraham needed to not trust in Isaac but trust in YHWH who gave Isaac.

here's the point i came to...i don't trust Christ enough. not with my time, not with me...i fear what others will say, think or how they will treat me, i fear not getting things done, i fear not getting 'downtime' (is there even supposed to be downtime?) if I truly desire to love God, be loved by God and make the love of God known...then i need to surrender myself, my things...my will...

i've never read Purity of the Heart is to Will One Thing by Sören Kierkegaard...but it might be time, although i may have a good idea what it's going to say...

...so, there, that's our morning at koinoniaPDX, that's my confession, and my prayer is that I can free myself to trust and love my God completely...

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