so lately, i've been angry. you know that righteous indignation thing, when Jesus flipped all the tables, and church people like to use that as a an ok to be angry...well, this angry, it's not that. not even close...its the kind of angry that if jesus were to come back while i'm in the midst of it, "he just might leave me behind" angry. its that angry that paul warns about in ephesians, tellin people to watch out cause it might give the devil a foothold...its that kind of angry that becomes so consuming that even if i can move beyond it for a second, an hour, even a day...the slightest thing can bring it back to reality and i just wanna break stuff, scream, grunt and start head-butting anything that moves...not you Chance, i promise...it was the kind of anger that if i had been exposed to some radioactive chemicals some big green guy would've emerged from the chasms of my soul...'nick mad. nick not like be mad'...
it's amazing how quickly a little anger can reach a level of near-hatred...yesterday i found myself on my knees, tears pouring, begging God to redeem this anger, to eliminate it...i pleaded for any ounce of hatred that existed in my bones to be purified, cast out, and obliterated...and for the next few hours my emotions would fluctuate between 'im ok' and 'ima break you'...
i do believe God is saving me from it, here's what gives me hope. i'm a stress-eater. if i'm upset, frustrated, angry...i want food, not like celery and carrots...i buy little debbie snacks, i go buy a cheeseburger, a fried chicken sandwich, chocolate...anything that could clog my arteries by send my taste buds dancing and consume my thoughts for a little bit...that's why i look like i do...
...but here's where the hope comes in. yesterday, prior to the tears, all i could think about was a Double Burger and Tater Tots from Mock Crest Tavern...but i got on my knees and poured myself to God and went home instead...i praise God for the strength to come to God and not turn to food...
anyway, just felt it was important for me to confess to friends...my name is nick, and God is redeeming me from anger-hate...
2 comments:
i love you brotha. thanks so much for your honesty.
your an inspiration to me man, even if you prefer lil debbie over hostess!
peace
-dave-
Hi, Nick. (in the AA sense of the greeting, of course) Your confession is heard and welcomed - not enough of us have the courage to let it out publicly. I'm proud of you, for real! Sounds like you did exactly as God would want you to have done in your situation yesterday. You cried out to Him...and He lifted you up and brought you home - without having any later feelings of guilt over what you ate that you shouldn't have. NICE!
I'm kinda at a similar point today with my kids...sometimes I almost feel like I could beat them when they frustrate me so much. Thanks for the reminder of where to turn and what to do when I turn to Him.
Love and appreciate you, my friend. :)
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